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How to Help Someone With Depression

How do yous really help someone with depression, while remaining calm and grounded yourself? What would a therapist advise?

Daughter with the Greenish Face, 1910, Alexej von Jawlensky. Photo: Alexej von Jawlensky/Wikimedia Commons

Girl with the Green Face, 1910, Alexej von Jawlensky. Photo: Alexej von Jawlensky/Wikimedia Commons

Girl with the Green Confront, 1910, Alexej von Jawlensky. Photograph: Alexej von Jawlensky/Wikimedia Commons

"I've started cutting my wrists," my friend said on the phone one night. "I'm not eating. I don't want to exist alive." We'd had many phone calls about her depression at this bespeak; her parents knew, I had talked for hours on the telephone with her childhood friend to compare notes, and she was on medication and seeing a therapist. We had been through so much together, but on this one particular call, I didn't know what else to tell her. "That's not good, and I don't want you to practise that," is all I could think to say, and I felt a void in my lungs — every bit if all the air had been sucked out of my chest. "I'g so sorry, I want you to get better." I left for college a few weeks after and found myself texting rather than calling her back, waiting days and then weeks to respond to her texts so that our friendship slowly melted away. We were, by the time she tried to commit suicide, out of bear upon except for birthdays: She e'er remembered mine. I always forgot hers.

Now I've experienced low myself, and I have a handful of friends in various stages of depression, including one who has repeatedly chosen late at night asking me to "talk her off the ledge." So many people around me are stressed out or on antidepressants, and I've wondered: How do you actually aid someone with depression while remaining calm and grounded yourself? What should the follow-upwardly texts and phone calls and disturbing weeks or months of recovery look like so y'all make the person feel better and non worse? What, in short, would a therapist suggest here?

What follows is an exhaustive guide with bear witness-based strategies and word-for-give-and-take scripts sourced from depression experts: things you can say and practice if someone tells you they're struggling or that they want to injure themselves.

If you're depressed: Send this story to people who care about you so they can know how to really help you. If you lot're a friend (or family member, spouse, or co-worker) of someone who is depressed: Know information technology's not entirely up to y'all to help them get ameliorate. But there is so much you tin can do, say, and know near depression to keep the human relationship and your own well-being intact.

Major depression is a mood disorder that causes someone to feel persistently sad for a long time (at to the lowest degree two weeks), and of the many symptoms, the most common signs you lot'll recognize in friends are their being less social or less interested in things they usually like to exercise. A depressed friend might reject your invitations to meet up, cancel plans again and again, or ignore calls or texts. In person, that friend might snap at you lot, drink excessively, go upset nearly the smallest things, or seem more anxious, irritable, apartment, and just really negative and downwards.

"Friends can sometimes take that personally and feel very impatient and frustrated, like, I don't want to hang out with this person so much anymore," says Dr. Laura Rosen, a clinical psychologist and the author of When Someone You Honey Is Depressed. "That'due south something people need to notice. If you feel dissimilar when you're with them, depression might be going on."

The wrong style to start the conversation is by focusing vaguely on how the person seems emotionally, which can audio accusatory, such as: "You've been and so downward/stressed/anxious/irritable lately … what's going on? Are you okay?"

Open-ended questions are meliorate, experts say, such every bit:
"How are you doing lately?"
"Are you struggling with anything? Tin can I help you?"
"Y'all just don't seem similar yourself lately. Is everything okay?"

"Focus on specific behaviors so your friend doesn't experience judged," says Valerie Cordero, co-executive director of Families for Depression Awareness. "You desire to try as much as possible to not put them on the defensive, and give them an opportunity to respond."

Examples include:
"You used to love our nights out, but it seems similar you're not interested in coming anymore. Is something going on? Do you want to talk about it?"

"I know y'all got a raise recently, which probably came with a bunch of new responsibilities, and I've noticed yous seem stressed out. Do you lot think you might be depressed?"

See what your friend is willing to share. If they don't want to talk about it, or if they brush yous off, only say, "I'one thousand here for y'all," and motility on to another topic.

Portrait of a Girl, 1909, Alexej von Jawlensky. Photo: Alexej von Jawlensky/Wikimedia Commons

"I think information technology's really important that you don't experience like you have to prepare it, only simply be curious and listen to your friends' experience," says Rosen. She advises asking questions like: "What has information technology been like for y'all? Are you able to function at work? How are you doing at school?" These should lead into the nigh important question to inquire: "Has it e'er gotten so bad that y'all feel similar hurting yourself or you desire to end things?" A lot of people wrongly think that asking about suicide will give someone the idea to do it. Only experts say that's not how suicide works and that it'due south really, really important to ask about suicide direct. By not asking, you could isolate a friend even more, and crusade the person to screw fifty-fifty further into suicidal thoughts.

Unless yous're a mental-wellness professional person, it'southward non worth post-obit upwards with hyperspecific, nitty-gritty questions like "When did y'all starting time feeling bad? or What makes you feel worse?" — considering whatever the person says will put y'all in a position of needing to share advice you're not qualified to give.

"The adjacent footstep would be trying to come across if they've actually been clinically diagnosed," says Cordero. "Have they done any of the screenings?" Advise they take an online test — it'due south the same quiz they'd take in a primary-intendance md'southward office, where people are encouraged to start seeking help for depression in society to rule out whatsoever other medical weather.

"This is when it goes from an optional good idea of talking about depression to something that can be lifesaving," says Dr. Ken Duckworth, a psychiatrist and the medical managing director of the National Brotherhood on Mental Illness. At that place are two kinds of suicidal thoughts you should heed for: passive or active. A person with passive suicidal thoughts might say, "Sometimes I wish I wasn't here anymore" or "I wish I didn't take to wake up in the forenoon." A person with agile suicidal thoughts is plotting an bodily, specific plan.

If someone is passively suicidal:
"It's still of import to act, simply it'due south not like you lot accept to get to the emergency room immediately," says Cordero. "Again, ask: Take you been clinically evaluated? Are you in treatment right now? Who else tin I phone call that nosotros should talk most information technology with?" The next step is making sure they see a doctor and have a support system of people to achieve out to for aid beyond but yous.

If they're actively suicidal, but information technology doesn't seem like they'll act on it:
Brand a prophylactic contract with your friend before you allow them exit you. The first function of the contract, according to Rosen, is: "Tin can you be safe now?" Followed past: "If y'all can't be safety, what's your programme? Will you call me? Will you call your mom? Will you lot phone call 911? I need to know that if you get to that indicate, you have a game program."

If they're actively suicidal and seem likely to injure themselves or someone else:
Phone call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Hotline (1-800-273-8255) and say something like this to the operator: "I'yard with a friend, and I'm concerned she's suicidal. I need help. I'm worried she'south going to hurt herself. She can't promise me she won't." "Somebody will come up and evaluate the situation, they'll take the person to a hospital emergency room to meet with a psychiatrist and let that person make the ultimate call," says Rosen.

"If the person can't say they're going to exist safe, that's when yous don't leave them and you call 911," says Rosen. "But if the person says, 'You know what? I'g really feeling bad but talking to yous has helped, and I call back I'k just going to go to bed now,' that'south okay."

If your friend is depressed or suicidal, however the conversation goes, there tin can exist nifty pressure if you think you're alone in supporting the person. Cordero says it's important to assist the person identify a support network by request questions similar:

"Who else have you talked to about this?"
"Have you talked to your mom or X or Y person?"
"Who else do you think could also be involved in helping to support you?"

"If they tin proper noun other people, smashing," she says. "Otherwise, you lot can brand suggestions." Parents, a significant other, another friend, or a therapist are all good contacts. If you lot're asked not to tell anyone, keep your word unless yous retrieve they're suicidal. "The i time it's okay to break that confidentiality is when you feel similar they're going to be of damage to themselves or to someone else, correct?" says Rosen.

If your friend already has a therapist, and yous know the person'southward name, another thing you can do is call the therapist's office and go out a message. The therapist can't share whatever information with you due to HIPAA privacy laws, but nix prevents the therapist from listening to you and incorporating your thoughts into your friend's care. The therapist may not call you back, but at least you know that the therapist knows.

Head of a Woman, 1911, Alexej von Jawlensky. Photograph: Alexej von Jawlensky/Wikimedia Commons

Don't say:
"Yous have and so much going for you."
"Just know that I intendance about you."
"Come up on, stop being so down."
"Wouldn't you feel better if you lot didn't drinkable and so much or slumber all solar day?"

The starting time instance suggests you lot know more nearly their state of affairs than the depressed friend does. The others instill guilt and shame. In full general, information technology's better to avoid giving advice that suggests specific means a friend should change thoughts or behavior — the only truthful advice you can give is that the friend should talk to a doctor and therapist, and yous tin can encourage your friend to continue reaching out to you and other friends and family when that person needs someone to mind. Instead, say something similar:

Do say:
"It makes sense to me that y'all're just actually non feeling similar yourself."

"You feel actually miserable right now, but you have to remember information technology will get better. I know that. I can promise you that."

Rather than giving the person a pep talk, these examples reflect back what you're hearing and offering specific ways y'all might help. "What I hear from depressed people is that to have somebody say get over it is not very helpful and actually actually annoying," says Rosen. "It's more than helpful to say, 'I can see what a hard time you're having, but I'm going to be here. I'yard going to see y'all through this. You probably don't believe this, merely information technology volition pass. I know information technology feels really bad.'"

When people are depressed, the smallest tasks can feel totally overwhelming — even simply Googling therapists or picking up the phone to make an appointment. I hesitated to offer to aid my friend with this, thinking information technology felt weird and invasive to get into her health-insurance status, just Cordero says all you actually need to know is the name of the insurance provider and programme. Ask: "Can I call and endeavour to set a get-go appointment for y'all?" You can search for therapists online and make a few calls and say to receptionists: "Are you accepting new patients? Practise you take Ten wellness-insurance plan?" You lot tin send your friend the names of 3 or four people to expect up online, and offer to brand the first scheduling call or assist your friend go at that place or sit in the waiting room.

If people are resistant to the idea of therapy, you lot can frame it every bit a normal checkup. "Explicate that the brain is an organ that tin can get 'ill' just like any other organ of the body," says Dr. Ronald K. Podell, a psychiatrist and the founder and medical director of the Eye for Bio-Behavioral Science in Los Angeles. If finding a therapist isn't feasible or financially an option, your friend tin can attempt anxiety or mental-health apps.

At that place's a fine line between checking in and making a person feel policed or hounding that person with questions similar "Did you lot take your medication? Did you go to therapy?" Just overall, information technology is proficient to follow up. You could effort setting a calendar reminder to text a friend every Lord's day dark, when anxiety for the week sets in, or invite the friend to hang out more often.

"Depressed people will tell me that just knowing a friend is thinking virtually them, peradventure a friend invited them to become see a play but they're actually not upward for it, they say it was nice just to be thought of," says Rosen. "You're much less probable to get depressed if yous have a good support network, and the more social support you lot accept, the more likely yous are to get ameliorate."

If you're worried almost a friend ignoring your texts, or how ofttimes you should check in without existence annoying, ask directly about your friend's boundaries and prepare your own. You could say: "I desire to text you every week, merely if you don't answer me iii weeks in a row, is it okay for me to phone call your mom? Is information technology okay for me to practise Ten, Y, or Z?" As fourth dimension passes, if you worry yous're being overbearing, you tin say, "Am I bothering you by texting so much? I'1000 merely thinking of you."

Going to come across a flick is like shooting fish in a barrel because it doesn't require a lot of talking, or you tin offering to accept a walk or hang out at your friend'south house. Playing sports or going to a spin form could be too much, says Rosen. If it'due south overwhelming to your friend to hang out in a big group, you could suggest a quieter alternative: "I know yous don't feel like going to the bar tonight with everyone, but would you lot desire to meet me for dinner before then, even if you experience like going to bed early on?"

Even if the person isn't up for making plans, you tin can feel practiced about the mere deed of reaching out.

When I experienced depression myself, people often said things that made me feel worse, and I could tell I was making them feel worse by continuing to just … feel worse. This cycle of reactivity between a depressed person and a healthy friend is described equally "fusion" in Podell's book Contagious Emotions: Staying Well When Your Loved Ane Is Depressed, published in 1992. "Depression was a contagious disorder," Podell wrote. "Information technology could spread just like any cold or flu, infecting all who came in close contact with it. Non only could the spouses of depressed people go distraught, but the children, parents, and even friends and co-workers."

Studies since then have proved this is true: Having a shut friend who is depressed appears to brand you 118 percent more likely to go depressed yourself, according to 1 study, which also found that depression spreads more easily among women than men. In another report of college roommates, researchers said that depression becomes more "contagious" when a depressed person refuses to share feelings and remains closed off, which is why information technology's important to talk to a friend you lot think might be depressed, and encourage the friend to open up upwardly.

"The bottom line is that the better you tin can experience about yourself, the ameliorate yous'll be able to function as a healing and supportive force," Podell wrote. To monitor your own mental health, check out the total list of depression symptoms here and take the Families for Low Awareness online test. And with your friend, think virtually how much y'all can really give. "If you lot're in a vulnerable emotional or mental position," says Cordero, "those are all things to take into account. How much can you lot be there for that person? If you're not the kind of person who is able to back up somebody like that or who has room in their life for that, then you take to be honest virtually where you are."

If the friendship starts feeling taxing or one-sided, you tin gently nudge your friend to outset reciprocating or say you need a break. Rosen provided these examples:

If your friend has vented to you for over an hour, you could say, "You lot know, we've been talking nearly this stuff for a really long time. I really want to tell you about what's going on with me at work because I could apply your advice." If you live with the person, you could say, "I'm going to become some fresh air and take a walk" or "I'1000 going to go to a yoga course, simply I'll exist back later."

"You can be supportive for so long, just it's hard to do all the fourth dimension," she says. "I retrieve it'southward really important for the non-depressed person to however go out with friends, have a walk, or have something separate from the depressed person."

Be open and honest, and don't expect a reply, Cordero advises. "Let'south say for example you've heard that a person you used to be close to had a suicide try, and you feel bad about it only you haven't really been in contact. You lot have to approach it delicately, and you lot tin can't await the person to want to re-appoint with you at this signal when they're maybe at their lowest.

"Information technology could exist something similar, 'Hey, Sarah, I heard that you've been going through a tough time lately and I know we haven't been in touch. I still really care almost you, I want the best for yous, and I appreciate the friendship we had. I'chiliad thinking well-nigh y'all.' See where it goes from there. You tin can't just assume that y'all can footstep right back in and save the day. Open up the door, and see if they're open to reestablishing the relationship and having your help."

Even if you do everything correct, even if yous follow all of these steps exactly, nothing is guaranteed to "piece of work." The silver lining is that anyone with a mood disorder has a better chance of recovering with a support arrangement, rather than without one.

"It's actually of import to have intendance of yourself considering people may frustrate yous past not seeking help," Duckworth says. "Just call up that if they're resisting your best efforts to love and back up them, at that place may exist reasons for that. Information technology's non your failure."

"Information technology certainly does not have to be the cease of a friendship if you only learn how to be supportive, and you're willing to assistance the person and they are open to it," Cordero says. "There'due south no reason why you can't yet be friends and nevertheless have a positive influence on each other's lives."

A yr after learning my friend had tried to commit suicide, the i I lost touch with, I called her to apologize for letting our friendship fall apart. I told her I had felt depressed myself recently, and that it reminded me of how I felt on her phone calls ten years before. "Why didn't you telephone call me?" she asked. "I wish you had told me."

How to Help Someone With Depression